Story Mapping

(Note: this blog was originally written on November 29, 2007)

Most of the time I've got so many things going on in my head and sometimes it's hard to discern what to focus on. If I have great ideas for, well just about anything, I'll commit to doing it, sit down to start and get part way, then it gets fuzzy.

I recently decided that I need to start finishing things and begin following through. Only, that requires patience (among other things) and although I can "maintain" my composure through quite a bit, when I finally run out of steam and then snap (!) - Watch Out. It shouldn't be that way but I'm working on it. I'm really not in the mood right now for a lecture about attitude for those of you tempted to chime in here...I used that tool to get me through the part I was able to endure!

Seeing something through will mean that I have to stick around for the outcome (duh). When I ask myself what all the fuss is about, and what do I have to be worried about...when I wonder what I fear most...I think I'd have to say disappointment. I might find out that it: doesn't work, wasn't what I had hoped for, goes sideways on me, explodes in my face, gets me into trouble, or - the absolute worst - that it (therefore, I) might succeed. I suppose then, I'm guilty of fearing achievement as well.

I have been told that I just might not WANT to be happy enough for it to happen. That maybe deep down I feel that I don't deserve to be happy. But...I'm happy. I have a lot to be happy for. And I truly believe that inside out. I usually term my perspective as being an idealistic cynicist. It's more complex than that though. It's LIFE for crying out loud. I'm allowed to be dazed and confused more than once along the way.

Only this time, I'm not going to let myself off the hook because there will be no more "getting lost in the woods". Red Riding Hood is not even going to flirt with the wolf on this trip. I work hard and so I need to be mindful that I don't need to DO more. I don't need to get it done sooner. I need to find direction and focus...on setting a goal, planning my journey, enjoying the adventure of it and savoring the rewards. Now that sounds so simple.

In order to get anywhere near my little fairy tale fantasy, I realize that things will often turn out differently than I expect them to. I meditate to help me calmly visualize myself completing tasks confidently and ahead of schedule while all details smoothly and efficiently work themselves out. I transition into problem solving mode and can clearly see resolution packaged with a bow. I speak in the present tense since we are always right here at the place and time that we are, and I use positive phrases because I already am the change I want to see.

Going through this blogging exercise, I'm finding that what unfolds before me as I type the questions screaming through my head, is that I'm finding the answers before I can even get the questions out. There are always more questions.

I know I will be surprised, even though I shouldn't be, to learn that when I stop getting in my own way, even being happy isn't all that bad. Looking back, there have certainly been things that took a turn for the worst, backfired, or let me down in some way or another, even though I thought I'd save myself from the sunken ship by bailing out. What often happens is that when I don't make it to the finish line, I'm not keeping myself from pain or stress - I'm inflicting it early and possibly unnecessarily to save myself from The Monster at the End of the Book.

It's just me. Lovable, furry, ole me. Sure, I can be a monster at times, yet one that people will continue to turn pages to read about, even if I insist that all they will find is something unspeakable. With an attitude adjustment (humbly admitted) and a detailed map, I'm well on my way to...SLEEP. Now that's a destination to be happy about (more like ecstatic). Well done. Way to make it through another day, Deanna. You deserve a pat on the back. Good job. Game over. Fin.

*sigh*