(Note: this blog was originally written on May 2, 2007 - I was in a cranky mood and this is one of my favorites of my written pieces)
I could be doing a hundred different things right now. Instead I sit and stare at the computer screen with a blank. A blank what? A blank everything. A blankety blank blank blanket of sorts. Don't blankin' read over my shoulder you blanker. I wanna feel blank by my blank self.
I wish I wanted to feel warmer and fuzzier than I do. I could if I chose to. But I am not choosing that. I am choosing to feel colder and stiffer. And I wanted to share that feeling with you because it's oozing out of me in a sharp and knowing kind of way, if that's possible.
I should be doing responsible things like the responsible adult that I am, but rather, I am lingering in no-woman's land. An awkward place where unsettling feelings are nurtured and grown. You have to get there by shimmying through a half open window. I scrape my back on the ledge every time, yet I continue to crawl over here. I sit on a sharp rock that looks like volcanic remains and gaze into a too sunny distance that I have to squint at in order to see a whole lot of nothing.
This deserted place is where I can find a little respite, it is edgy and still and is ear piercingly silent. So go away with your offers to sit in the hot tub with me. That chemical soup makes me wretch with memories of romance and laughter. Exactly what I am not craving.
I should be doing a thousand things right now. I am not. I am spewing my thickness into cybertherapy and wondering if someone out there is going to offer to crochet a sweater with it for me. I'm wearing a lead blanket and it's weighing me down as an anchor I embrace like a life jacket. Hopefully this martian planet I've discovered offers leaps and bounds of cosmic magnetism. I want to be drawn up, up and away.
I'm looking to fly like a kite into the universe. I'm going to stay here until I sit long enough to run into whatever it is that's looking for me. I will remain blank until I'm not. It feels like it might be awhile, as I shift on my pumice perch. It's okay with me. The window is still in sight. I haven't ventured off too far. It's an uncomfortable comfort that is just right - for now. It doesn't require any action on my part. I am only waiting. Waiting for unblankness to uncover me. And I quite like it.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Super Duper
(Note: this blog was originally written on May 23, 2007)
I'm just that fantastic. There. I said it.
It's true.
I could use a cape - because I am a superhero. A superhero to many people. Maybe even to you.
It's a long, flowing, deep royal blue cape that doesn't quite touch the ground when I swoosh around multi-tasking for the greater good. It might have a detachable hood (not velcro that's too cheap and noisy) for when I want to appear mysterious and have to peek at people peripherally.
Maybe it's more like a cloak than a cape. I'll have to let Becky know that I've fine tuned the design. Gotta envision it just right.
Yeah, I am. A superhero that is. And I could use a good cape (er, cloak). It probably has a pocket for a bandaid. In case I need to save the world. It could use a little 'aid.
I'm just that fantastic. There. I said it.
It's true.
I could use a cape - because I am a superhero. A superhero to many people. Maybe even to you.
It's a long, flowing, deep royal blue cape that doesn't quite touch the ground when I swoosh around multi-tasking for the greater good. It might have a detachable hood (not velcro that's too cheap and noisy) for when I want to appear mysterious and have to peek at people peripherally.
Maybe it's more like a cloak than a cape. I'll have to let Becky know that I've fine tuned the design. Gotta envision it just right.
Yeah, I am. A superhero that is. And I could use a good cape (er, cloak). It probably has a pocket for a bandaid. In case I need to save the world. It could use a little 'aid.
Story Mapping
(Note: this blog was originally written on November 29, 2007)
Most of the time I've got so many things going on in my head and sometimes it's hard to discern what to focus on. If I have great ideas for, well just about anything, I'll commit to doing it, sit down to start and get part way, then it gets fuzzy.
I recently decided that I need to start finishing things and begin following through. Only, that requires patience (among other things) and although I can "maintain" my composure through quite a bit, when I finally run out of steam and then snap (!) - Watch Out. It shouldn't be that way but I'm working on it. I'm really not in the mood right now for a lecture about attitude for those of you tempted to chime in here...I used that tool to get me through the part I was able to endure!
Seeing something through will mean that I have to stick around for the outcome (duh). When I ask myself what all the fuss is about, and what do I have to be worried about...when I wonder what I fear most...I think I'd have to say disappointment. I might find out that it: doesn't work, wasn't what I had hoped for, goes sideways on me, explodes in my face, gets me into trouble, or - the absolute worst - that it (therefore, I) might succeed. I suppose then, I'm guilty of fearing achievement as well.
I have been told that I just might not WANT to be happy enough for it to happen. That maybe deep down I feel that I don't deserve to be happy. But...I'm happy. I have a lot to be happy for. And I truly believe that inside out. I usually term my perspective as being an idealistic cynicist. It's more complex than that though. It's LIFE for crying out loud. I'm allowed to be dazed and confused more than once along the way.
Only this time, I'm not going to let myself off the hook because there will be no more "getting lost in the woods". Red Riding Hood is not even going to flirt with the wolf on this trip. I work hard and so I need to be mindful that I don't need to DO more. I don't need to get it done sooner. I need to find direction and focus...on setting a goal, planning my journey, enjoying the adventure of it and savoring the rewards. Now that sounds so simple.
In order to get anywhere near my little fairy tale fantasy, I realize that things will often turn out differently than I expect them to. I meditate to help me calmly visualize myself completing tasks confidently and ahead of schedule while all details smoothly and efficiently work themselves out. I transition into problem solving mode and can clearly see resolution packaged with a bow. I speak in the present tense since we are always right here at the place and time that we are, and I use positive phrases because I already am the change I want to see.
Going through this blogging exercise, I'm finding that what unfolds before me as I type the questions screaming through my head, is that I'm finding the answers before I can even get the questions out. There are always more questions.
I know I will be surprised, even though I shouldn't be, to learn that when I stop getting in my own way, even being happy isn't all that bad. Looking back, there have certainly been things that took a turn for the worst, backfired, or let me down in some way or another, even though I thought I'd save myself from the sunken ship by bailing out. What often happens is that when I don't make it to the finish line, I'm not keeping myself from pain or stress - I'm inflicting it early and possibly unnecessarily to save myself from The Monster at the End of the Book.
It's just me. Lovable, furry, ole me. Sure, I can be a monster at times, yet one that people will continue to turn pages to read about, even if I insist that all they will find is something unspeakable. With an attitude adjustment (humbly admitted) and a detailed map, I'm well on my way to...SLEEP. Now that's a destination to be happy about (more like ecstatic). Well done. Way to make it through another day, Deanna. You deserve a pat on the back. Good job. Game over. Fin.
*sigh*
Most of the time I've got so many things going on in my head and sometimes it's hard to discern what to focus on. If I have great ideas for, well just about anything, I'll commit to doing it, sit down to start and get part way, then it gets fuzzy.
I recently decided that I need to start finishing things and begin following through. Only, that requires patience (among other things) and although I can "maintain" my composure through quite a bit, when I finally run out of steam and then snap (!) - Watch Out. It shouldn't be that way but I'm working on it. I'm really not in the mood right now for a lecture about attitude for those of you tempted to chime in here...I used that tool to get me through the part I was able to endure!
Seeing something through will mean that I have to stick around for the outcome (duh). When I ask myself what all the fuss is about, and what do I have to be worried about...when I wonder what I fear most...I think I'd have to say disappointment. I might find out that it: doesn't work, wasn't what I had hoped for, goes sideways on me, explodes in my face, gets me into trouble, or - the absolute worst - that it (therefore, I) might succeed. I suppose then, I'm guilty of fearing achievement as well.
I have been told that I just might not WANT to be happy enough for it to happen. That maybe deep down I feel that I don't deserve to be happy. But...I'm happy. I have a lot to be happy for. And I truly believe that inside out. I usually term my perspective as being an idealistic cynicist. It's more complex than that though. It's LIFE for crying out loud. I'm allowed to be dazed and confused more than once along the way.
Only this time, I'm not going to let myself off the hook because there will be no more "getting lost in the woods". Red Riding Hood is not even going to flirt with the wolf on this trip. I work hard and so I need to be mindful that I don't need to DO more. I don't need to get it done sooner. I need to find direction and focus...on setting a goal, planning my journey, enjoying the adventure of it and savoring the rewards. Now that sounds so simple.
In order to get anywhere near my little fairy tale fantasy, I realize that things will often turn out differently than I expect them to. I meditate to help me calmly visualize myself completing tasks confidently and ahead of schedule while all details smoothly and efficiently work themselves out. I transition into problem solving mode and can clearly see resolution packaged with a bow. I speak in the present tense since we are always right here at the place and time that we are, and I use positive phrases because I already am the change I want to see.
Going through this blogging exercise, I'm finding that what unfolds before me as I type the questions screaming through my head, is that I'm finding the answers before I can even get the questions out. There are always more questions.
I know I will be surprised, even though I shouldn't be, to learn that when I stop getting in my own way, even being happy isn't all that bad. Looking back, there have certainly been things that took a turn for the worst, backfired, or let me down in some way or another, even though I thought I'd save myself from the sunken ship by bailing out. What often happens is that when I don't make it to the finish line, I'm not keeping myself from pain or stress - I'm inflicting it early and possibly unnecessarily to save myself from The Monster at the End of the Book.
It's just me. Lovable, furry, ole me. Sure, I can be a monster at times, yet one that people will continue to turn pages to read about, even if I insist that all they will find is something unspeakable. With an attitude adjustment (humbly admitted) and a detailed map, I'm well on my way to...SLEEP. Now that's a destination to be happy about (more like ecstatic). Well done. Way to make it through another day, Deanna. You deserve a pat on the back. Good job. Game over. Fin.
*sigh*
Friday, February 27, 2009
Four Brothers
I am a tree.
I am rooted.
All the world is upside down yet
Somehow I feel grounded.
I am smiling.
I am a smile.
My heart smiles and
So does my liver.
Like Liss -
Please, I call on you, my four brothers.
Or are they hers?
It only matters that they hear me:
* Ango Patih
* Maragio Patih
* Banus Patih
* Banus Patih Ragio
Protect me,
Guide me,
Bless me.
Thank you!
I am rooted.
All the world is upside down yet
Somehow I feel grounded.
I am smiling.
I am a smile.
My heart smiles and
So does my liver.
Like Liss -
Please, I call on you, my four brothers.
Or are they hers?
It only matters that they hear me:
* Ango Patih
* Maragio Patih
* Banus Patih
* Banus Patih Ragio
Protect me,
Guide me,
Bless me.
Thank you!
Hickory Dickory
Listening to the rain song of the shower water
Drumming the floor beneath your feet relaxes
Me into a wave of gratitude.
For you.
For me.
For your life.
For mine.
Like a text message delivered from the universe:
"Good Life"...
(then)
..."Comes Easy".
That's it?.
I scrawl it into my notebook on the headboard with an Expo dry erase marker.
So romantic!
As I'm about to cum, you come
Into the room with your towel only
Draped over your shoulders like a superhero cape.
Your handsome silhouette helping me climax...
"It smells like burning plastic," you say.
I giggle.
"No really, it does."
I laugh from my belly.
Buzzz...is the only noise...as I silently keep my secret just a second longer.
I giggle again.
You say, "Are you burning it up?"
I say, "It's my dry erase marker!"
You say, "What?! A dry erase marker?!"
All I could do is cry with laughter.
"I thought you were on fire..."
You turn,
I explode.
You hate the smell
I love the scent.
You and I are so different but love each other all the same.
Midnight musings
Uncovered
Undercovers
The clock strikes twelve......................hickory dickory dock.
Drumming the floor beneath your feet relaxes
Me into a wave of gratitude.
For you.
For me.
For your life.
For mine.
Like a text message delivered from the universe:
"Good Life"...
(then)
..."Comes Easy".
That's it?.
I scrawl it into my notebook on the headboard with an Expo dry erase marker.
So romantic!
As I'm about to cum, you come
Into the room with your towel only
Draped over your shoulders like a superhero cape.
Your handsome silhouette helping me climax...
"It smells like burning plastic," you say.
I giggle.
"No really, it does."
I laugh from my belly.
Buzzz...is the only noise...as I silently keep my secret just a second longer.
I giggle again.
You say, "Are you burning it up?"
I say, "It's my dry erase marker!"
You say, "What?! A dry erase marker?!"
All I could do is cry with laughter.
"I thought you were on fire..."
You turn,
I explode.
You hate the smell
I love the scent.
You and I are so different but love each other all the same.
Midnight musings
Uncovered
Undercovers
The clock strikes twelve......................hickory dickory dock.
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